Got Milk? I'd Like To Get Milk IfYouKnowWhatIMean...

So listen, I'm not gay or anything but Milk was awesome. It is about this gay guy named Milk that does all this gay shit to help gay people get gay rights! And by "gay" I mean "gay" not "gay" as in "lame".

And listen, just because I loved this movie and cried like a little bitch when he got shot in the brain doesn't mean I'm gay. If anything, it means I'm extra straight. Because a love this deep and sincere can only be felt by a true man. Also, I wanna fuck him.

Hey Kids, Being a Slutbag Ho Will Always Get You Prince Charming

Why does everyone love this fucking movie? "Oh it's sooo romantic?" Fuckin' really? I totally thought growing up that I was going to start fucking random dudes for money and then FINALLY a good guy who solicits hooker sluts for pussy will come along with his giant penis and sweep me and my ginormous razor sharp herp invested vagina off my feet. Damn am I disappointed.

Not to ruin the movie or anything.

Here are two IMDB.com reviews with my edits in red:

Review #1:

Edward the man whore is a rich, ruthless son-of-a-mother-fucking-bitch-who-ignored-her-children businessman who specializes in eating boners and taking over companies and then selling them off piece by piece because he is goodlooking and Richard Gere-like. He travels to Los Angeles for a business trip (oh is that what he calls his sexual escapades?) and decides to hire a prostitute that spreads her vajayjay for fucking fun. weeeee. They take a liking to each other beacuse all hookers are smiley and hot and look like Julia fucking Roberts and he offers her money if she'll stay with him and let him fuck her in the butt for an entire week while he fuckin' (I thought that interjection spiced up the review) makes the "rich and famous" scene (since it doesn't do for a man of his stature to be alone at society parties and polo matches...since when are there no single men at fuckin' upper class parties?). Romantic comedy (and complications) ensue. Oh no way? Like people being smart enough to figure out that the fuckin' chick you brought everywhere is a whore that bangs out dudes all the time? Does that happen? I mean, how much more romantic comedy can you get?

Review #2

The slut Vivian Ward has found a fantastic-I'm-so-jealous way of living by working as a prostitute-ho-tranny-ball-licker-humper on Hollywood Boulevard. When she runs (fucks) into the prince of her and every other hooker on her streets dreams, who comes along on his wild horse (wtf? how real is this shit?), she first does not recognize him as her saviour because he just wants a piece of ass you slut. The prince, a ruthless man whore and wealthy businessman with a giant dong by the name of Edward Lewis (yeah he named his dong), does not know that she could be more than just a girl from the sidewalk, a slut from the streets, a ho from the ghetto, a whore from your mom (wha?), but he changes his decision after the first night with the beautiful stranger because he got herpes and realized that no one was gonna fuckin' love him anymore other than his giant vaginaed whore. Her being the first slutty person in a long time who could surprise him with her gift that never stops giving, Edward can slowly feel the light at the end of the tunnel as he didn't get his VD treated in time. He is on his way to become a better infected person, whereas Vivian has got a new chance to start spreading her legs all over again.


ZOMG SO ROMANTIC! SWOON! If I were you I would fuckin' run to Blockbuster to rent that shit for you children....b/c you gotta teach them that no matter what the fuck happens to them in life they can always turn to the streets, get a lot of sex and marry a rich fucker that loves them and doesn't beat their asses.

Retarded Fucking Name for the Retarded Dork Kid

Thank you E! for reminding us of this fucking hilarious, weird-ass movie called Napoleon Dynamite. (And fuck you E! for all your gay-ass shows like "Keeping Up With the Kardashians ... stupid twats.)

Napoleon Dynamite is this freak outcast high school kid. Like, fucking by-the-book, social-pariah, weirdo, maybe-mentally-ill-or-maybe-genius-you-can't-really-tell kinda freak outcast kid. He does shit like wear ugly t-shirts (probably from Good Will because he's definitely a povo poor kid), draw mythical creatures and play games of tether ball all by himself. (We would feel bad for him expect he's totally one of those fucking mean nerds and it's like, "no wonder nobody likes you because you are fucking mean and miserable. Not because you are the BIGGEST NERD WITH THE SMALLEST DICK EVER!") He also likes chapstick and has lots of skills.

He lives with his muff-diving Grandma who loves her llama Tina (seriously, it's really a llama, not her KD Lang lover or anything) and his creepy brother, Kip. Kip is a scrawny, four-eyed piece of shit that sits on the computer all day talking to "babes." And by babes we mean booty-ho mamas whose parents misspelled their names. No fucking shit, he ends up running off with one after she made him all "street" and shit. Enough about those wastes of life.

Napoleon meets two notable fuck heads during the movie. One is Deb, this chick who used to be really fucking cute in movies like "Corina, Corina" and "Andre the Seal" but now she's just okay-looking and playing the love interest to the nerdiest nerd of all fucking mankind. Sorry 'bout your shitty career, lady. For some reason, this irrational girl gets turned on by dudes fucking drawing ligers. Like, just draw a tiger or a lion? Why the fuck you gotta be so different??? Oh right, because it's fucking funny and we are grateful that you were there to make fun of and entertain us in high school.

The second loser is this Mexican dude named Pedro. He has a really fucking cool bike that has shocks and pegs and other weird shit that only nerds know about. Napoleon and Pedro become fast friends. Pedro decides to run for school president. Yeah, isn't that fucking hilarious, no way in hell he will win. Stupid douche bag.

Well, Napoleon saves the fucking day by doing some crazy ass dance that was only cool because it was random as shit and for some fucking reason, that dance helped Pedro become school prez. Sounds believable. But no fucking way!?!?! The dude that the movie was named after ended up being the hero!!! That's a new concept that just blows our mind. We really can't fucking believe it.

And people just need to stop wearing the Vote for Pedro shirts. He already fucking won, you stupid idiot retards.

The Hills are Alive with Mother Fuckin' Music

So I don't know why I am even bothering to waste my fuckin' time on this damn movie, because if you haven't seen it then you are a dumb sack of shit. It is one of the fuckin' best movies of all time, especially if you don't want any bratty kids...there are so many of them in this damn film that it will be like fucking birth control for your bitch.

Anywho, I digress. There is this bad ass nun who is causing all sorts of shit up in the nunury. All the old nun bitches sing "How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?" You can't fucking pin down a cloud that's made of water and care bears and shit. They will bust a CAREBEAR STARE in your fuckin face. So they send her to this rich ass mother fuckers mansion in Austria or some fuckin' European shit ass place where there are mountains and sing-a-longs all over the fucking place. He has eight kids. Fucking eight kids. Who the hell has that many kids?

This Von Trap fellow blows a damn whistle to call his children to him...like fucking dogs. DOGS! They are all like, tweet tweet Brigeta, twweeeeet Leisel, tweeeet tweet twwweeet hansel, tweet Gretle, tweet Cinderella, and so on. It blows your fuckin' mind. So of course the children don't want a new fuckin' Governess..they just want their mom, but GUESS WHAT? She fucking died. So tough titties. Deal with your new Governess. SHE SINGS GOD DAMNIT!

Then they start liking her because she sings about fucking raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and everything she fucking loves. Selfish bitch. What about the children? What about what THEY like. And making their clothes out of curtains?? They aren't POOR bitch! Then they go running through the hillside and the whole damn town singing about deer and sewing and fucking loving Nazis....oh wait.

Maria and Von Trap obviously fall in love, because who wants a hot rich bitch when you can have a singing former nun governess that looks like a dyke? And it all happens over fucking Edelweiss and a little bit during that fuckin' puppet show with the lonely goater. La de oh de la de oh de la fuckin who. So they run from the Germans and hid in a fucking cemetary behind some gravestones. Which is like the best hiding place EVER!

The Von Traps lived happily ever after and it's a fucking true story. You should go visit their castle in Austria bitches. For real.

"Yes, I Shit in the Woods ... Why?"

Who doesn't love a movie that takes the Catholic Church in the rectory and teaches it to "drink" down some "holy water"? The entire MahShorts family is Catholic, so don't worry, I can say that and still get forgiven. What can't be forgiven is how much I want to see two talking polar bears fighting to the yikes-was-that-his-fucking-JAW?! death, and so thank GOD that a movie like The Golden Compass came along to empty out my testicles from awesomeness.

Harry Potter, why didn't you ever empty out my testicles? Is it cause Dumbledore is gay?

Lyra (a little girl so cute you want to get your tubes tied because you know your sorry spawn will end up just like your baby mama, with a stripper name and a vagina that's only cleaned "for Church and shit, cause Jay-sus is the son of God, and I don't see no fucking halo on YOUR unemployed retard head") is so tough that not only do cowboys and polar bears and witches all work for her, but her uncle is James Bond and a woman who managed to sleep with Tom Cruise can't even hold on to her. And you know Nicole Kidman knows how to keep a squirming little person in place.

So Lyra goes north looking for James Bond and for dust, which isn't the shit that's made of your dead fucking skin cells that's all over your cockroach-smoking pit of an apartment, you maggoty fuck ... you think masturbating to Battlestar Galactica is helping?! Did you know bedbugs EAT your man juice? It's true. Dust is actually people's souls, if we really had them and weren't living in a world that God abandoned to fuck that Aphrodite chick from Greek mythology. That chick is HOT, and nekkid on a shell. Art doesn't lie ... not like that fucking Constitution thing. American History? How about American HERstory, you sexist shit-slurpers!

Oh, there are also demons (that's right, Satanists, it's a family movie, just for you!) that follow people around. When you're a kid, the demon changes shape. When you're an adult, it's locked into shape.Haha, that's a metaphor for adulthood, and it's exactly just like your life. HAHAH, kids books are funny! Hope my insurance covers suicide!

Witches fight priests, God is dead and James Bond wants to invade the real world ... in other words, MY compass needle is pointing north. Oh wait, this was the first part of three books, and it didn't do well enough for the others to be made? Fuck you, have some fucking faith, you atheist satanic chicken rapist. They'll get made ... and if they don't? It's called reading, like what you do when you search for porn on the interwebs. Good luck, and don't click on the "woman and snake" show site ... that shit's all biblical.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Loved it. No Shit.

Whip It, Whip It Good

Why'd it have to be snakes in my pants? Cause I've got an anaconda at full mast for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Horrible Fucking Title. Is Indy the only guy on earth who can wear leather and carry a whip and not be heading for a little "slap the tomato" at an S&M club? God, I fucking hope not, I hate tomatoes. SQUISH!

Did someone just raid my lost arse, or is that fucking Shia the Beef from Transformers? You bet your piece of shit script it is! If you're a woman and need to take a moment to imagine Shia and Indy in some erotic homosexual yet gentle coupling on a bed of soft-petal roses, go for it, I've been dreaming about that every night for a week. And believe me, I'm no woman, if my penis has anything to say about it (it did until I started muzzling the fucker).

GREAT HAIRY BALLS OF HARRISON FORD, Indy lived through a nuclear explosion, just like a fucking cockroach if that cockroach also was Han PENISING Solo! MOTHER-FUCK, I'm not a little short for a stormtrooper right now! Then Indy finds a crystal skull, just like that time that club kid asked if you wanted to fuck his skull while on meth, except different, and almost awesomer. Is the crystal skull from a fucking alien?! HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED SO BITCH-TITTINGLY BRAIN-SUCKINGLY SEXY A QUESTION AS THAT? If not, humanity's a waste, we should all die. No time for love, Dr. Jones!

Instead of Nazis, the Russians decide to fuck with Indy this time, and still get their skin melted or face eated by ants. I hope you're seeing this movie with a date, cause all I see are one idea after another for a night in. Also, Russians are hot cause the women look like men, and talk like cartoons. FUCK ME LONG TIME, LENIN.

...wait, hold up. I'm sorry, let's take a break from this for a second. Did Shia just swing from vines in a jungle like Tarzan? That's easily the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a movie, since ... ever. Jesus, George Lucas, haven't you fucked my childhood enough with the Star Wars movies, now you're trying to lure it into a white van with the candy that is Indiana Jones only to teabag its balls, telling it that if it tells anyone, you'll say it was asking for it? Fuck's sake. Seriously. Sorry, back to the regular post.

I hope you like double-fists of awesomeness up that vagina of yours, cause holy fuck, they ARE aliens! Did you just blow my mind, or did that just make the last Indy movie lame as a 15 year old excitedly blogging about his first time with a retarded girl? Let's hope it's the former, cause I'm still getting off on the scene where Shia beats Indy with his "snake"! FUCK, I wish I could make something up that's even close to as fucked up and awe-inspiring as that was.

Aww, look, it's the end and Shia could be the next Indiana Jones. Thanks, movie people, you couldn't just say that humanity deserves a little anal rape for its crimes, you have to inflict this shit on us? If I weren't so full from swallowing the dorkgasm of Harrison Ford in that fucking hat, I'd be a little offended. Go fuck a midget with your gonorrheal amputated stump of an arm, and we'll call it even.