"Yes, I Shit in the Woods ... Why?"

Who doesn't love a movie that takes the Catholic Church in the rectory and teaches it to "drink" down some "holy water"? The entire MahShorts family is Catholic, so don't worry, I can say that and still get forgiven. What can't be forgiven is how much I want to see two talking polar bears fighting to the yikes-was-that-his-fucking-JAW?! death, and so thank GOD that a movie like The Golden Compass came along to empty out my testicles from awesomeness.

Harry Potter, why didn't you ever empty out my testicles? Is it cause Dumbledore is gay?

Lyra (a little girl so cute you want to get your tubes tied because you know your sorry spawn will end up just like your baby mama, with a stripper name and a vagina that's only cleaned "for Church and shit, cause Jay-sus is the son of God, and I don't see no fucking halo on YOUR unemployed retard head") is so tough that not only do cowboys and polar bears and witches all work for her, but her uncle is James Bond and a woman who managed to sleep with Tom Cruise can't even hold on to her. And you know Nicole Kidman knows how to keep a squirming little person in place.

So Lyra goes north looking for James Bond and for dust, which isn't the shit that's made of your dead fucking skin cells that's all over your cockroach-smoking pit of an apartment, you maggoty fuck ... you think masturbating to Battlestar Galactica is helping?! Did you know bedbugs EAT your man juice? It's true. Dust is actually people's souls, if we really had them and weren't living in a world that God abandoned to fuck that Aphrodite chick from Greek mythology. That chick is HOT, and nekkid on a shell. Art doesn't lie ... not like that fucking Constitution thing. American History? How about American HERstory, you sexist shit-slurpers!

Oh, there are also demons (that's right, Satanists, it's a family movie, just for you!) that follow people around. When you're a kid, the demon changes shape. When you're an adult, it's locked into shape.Haha, that's a metaphor for adulthood, and it's exactly just like your life. HAHAH, kids books are funny! Hope my insurance covers suicide!

Witches fight priests, God is dead and James Bond wants to invade the real world ... in other words, MY compass needle is pointing north. Oh wait, this was the first part of three books, and it didn't do well enough for the others to be made? Fuck you, have some fucking faith, you atheist satanic chicken rapist. They'll get made ... and if they don't? It's called reading, like what you do when you search for porn on the interwebs. Good luck, and don't click on the "woman and snake" show site ... that shit's all biblical.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Loved it. No Shit.

Whip It, Whip It Good

Why'd it have to be snakes in my pants? Cause I've got an anaconda at full mast for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Horrible Fucking Title. Is Indy the only guy on earth who can wear leather and carry a whip and not be heading for a little "slap the tomato" at an S&M club? God, I fucking hope not, I hate tomatoes. SQUISH!

Did someone just raid my lost arse, or is that fucking Shia the Beef from Transformers? You bet your piece of shit script it is! If you're a woman and need to take a moment to imagine Shia and Indy in some erotic homosexual yet gentle coupling on a bed of soft-petal roses, go for it, I've been dreaming about that every night for a week. And believe me, I'm no woman, if my penis has anything to say about it (it did until I started muzzling the fucker).

GREAT HAIRY BALLS OF HARRISON FORD, Indy lived through a nuclear explosion, just like a fucking cockroach if that cockroach also was Han PENISING Solo! MOTHER-FUCK, I'm not a little short for a stormtrooper right now! Then Indy finds a crystal skull, just like that time that club kid asked if you wanted to fuck his skull while on meth, except different, and almost awesomer. Is the crystal skull from a fucking alien?! HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED SO BITCH-TITTINGLY BRAIN-SUCKINGLY SEXY A QUESTION AS THAT? If not, humanity's a waste, we should all die. No time for love, Dr. Jones!

Instead of Nazis, the Russians decide to fuck with Indy this time, and still get their skin melted or face eated by ants. I hope you're seeing this movie with a date, cause all I see are one idea after another for a night in. Also, Russians are hot cause the women look like men, and talk like cartoons. FUCK ME LONG TIME, LENIN.

...wait, hold up. I'm sorry, let's take a break from this for a second. Did Shia just swing from vines in a jungle like Tarzan? That's easily the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a movie, since ... ever. Jesus, George Lucas, haven't you fucked my childhood enough with the Star Wars movies, now you're trying to lure it into a white van with the candy that is Indiana Jones only to teabag its balls, telling it that if it tells anyone, you'll say it was asking for it? Fuck's sake. Seriously. Sorry, back to the regular post.

I hope you like double-fists of awesomeness up that vagina of yours, cause holy fuck, they ARE aliens! Did you just blow my mind, or did that just make the last Indy movie lame as a 15 year old excitedly blogging about his first time with a retarded girl? Let's hope it's the former, cause I'm still getting off on the scene where Shia beats Indy with his "snake"! FUCK, I wish I could make something up that's even close to as fucked up and awe-inspiring as that was.

Aww, look, it's the end and Shia could be the next Indiana Jones. Thanks, movie people, you couldn't just say that humanity deserves a little anal rape for its crimes, you have to inflict this shit on us? If I weren't so full from swallowing the dorkgasm of Harrison Ford in that fucking hat, I'd be a little offended. Go fuck a midget with your gonorrheal amputated stump of an arm, and we'll call it even.

I've Got a Little Iron Man in My Pants Right Now

HOLY COMIC-BOOKING FUCK (watch out for paper cuts)! Robert Downey Jr. plays an alcoholic super-hero? That's just like the alcoholic actor he plays in real life, only with less accidental peeing! Iron Man is like distilling awesomeness in a moonshine still, drinking the whole thing, then getting brain damage and spending the rest of your life playing with yourself, maybe flinging pooh like you're a monkey. HA, monkeys make me horny!

Tony Stark could make a blind 80-year-old lesbian ask for it, he's so dickingly charming. Before he even puts on his "iron" suit (the only condom a real man would wear), he's had sex with three women, a dog and a nearby ice cream truck. Don't even see this movie unless you're on the pill, twice, cause he'll fucking impregnate you while your hands are in your fucking sno-caps. Got sour patch kids instead?YOU'LL HAVE MOTHER-FUCKING TWINS.

OH SHIT, then Tony Stark gets captured by Osama Bin Laden and has to make him a missle. Thank god terrorists don't know that a missle doesn't actually look like a big suit of fucking armor, though, or that'd be one short, mind-fuckingly twisted movie. But no, Tony puts on his suit and fucking burns them all! It's like if Mongolian barbecues actually came from Afghanistan, and were made of people instead of awesome meats and shit. You know who has some awesome meat? Tony Stark. Man, you just want to polish that iron 'til it fucking glows!

Then Tony Iron Man builds a fucking new suit, and does funny stuff when learning to fly. HA HA HA, beardy guy makes me laughers! FUN FUN DONKEY! He almost kills himself a few times, but that's probably just the existential dilemma of a man fighting against his own life's work in a futile war to redeem himself in his own heart. DONKEY SHOW!

Finally, Iron Man fights a bigger Iron Man, and shit blows up on an LA freeway, which is just called rush hour there. Then Tony wins and everyone fucks him again, including his robot suit but not Gwyneth Paltrow, who loves him too much to have sex with him, just like at prom. Then the movie ends with a big, sticky explosion of geekitude, and you realize that YOU could be a fucking superhero, if you only drank more and made more money, you piece of lazy whale sperm. Try not to die on the way home, we wouldn't want the world to be a better place or anything. DONKEY PUNCH!

Yeah I'm a Mean Bitch, WHAT?

Everyone always fucking complains about high school. Like, wah wah high school sucked...wah wah I got picked on. Like SORRY I don't fucking sympathize with you b/c I was fucking popular. Yah. Suck it. So this firecrotch named Cady (who the fuck spells Katie like that...like a fucking Cadydid bug or some shit) moves to some suburban hell from Africa. No she's not black retard.

So she, Cadydid, is like damn smart, unlike the whore Lindsay Lohan that plays her. Serious whore. I've seen her vag. But I digress.....She becomes friends with this fat loser kid and ugly ass Janice. Like, really? Are those the only fucking people that would talk to the hot new girl? Doubt it. Come on Tina Fey...let's be fucking real here.

Well they come up with this fucking awesome as a steamy-pile-of-rhino-shit-with-dung-beetles-living-in-it-and-eating-the-runny-poo-
with-their-fucking-pinchers plan. Cadydid has to befriend the Plastics b/c they are the whorebag popular girls that only wear fucking pink on thursdays and can only wear pants one day a week b/c they have to be sluts and show their legs so popular boys can butter their muffins. And duh, Cadydid is like really pretty so she fucking fits in like a snap, crackle, pop.

Can you fucking tell what is going to happen? She becomes so fucking full of herself b/c like everyone copies her and worships her and she starts drinking and being a huge whorebag. She's always looking in the mirror, like oooh I'm hot, look at my firecrotch. Look at my push up bra, I'm so freckly and smokey. Rawr I could just fuck myself.

Well her plan backfired and her ugly, fat, nerdy friends get mad and lesbo Janice is so fucking pissed that she THROWS HER PAINTING AT CADY!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT? And then the popular girls like totally become cool and no longer friends and then there are like new fucking plastics b/c all the hot girls in high school are obviously slut bitches. I don't wanna fucking ruin the movie for you, but like there's a huge twist at the end with a fucking bus. Deep fucking shit dude.

Moral of the fucking story: Being a bitch always works and makes you fucking popular and slutty.

Irish Monsters? That's Gonna Be One Tiny Monster Penis!

Shit, that's one big bunch of clovers in that Cloverfield. Cloverfield is so fucking brain-doucheing ape-shit-up-the-assingly mys-fucking-sterious that you never find out why its called that. FUCK KNOCKERS, but I just dork-gasmed in my Captain America panties.

A bunch of people so hot they made my pants pregnant have a party, and one guy is in love with a girl. I haven't seen a story this original since my uncle told the cops that I was asking for it. YUMMY! But don't even thinking about lighting a candle, cause your whole fucking UNIVERSE is about to get blown, cause oh hell yes, that's the Statue of Liberty's head, and it's pissed. Can you hear the awesomeness of the words I'm saying?! LISTEN THEN, you limey fuck!

Jesus Mary and Zombie-Loving Josephs, it's a fucking American Godzilla monster thing! And in America, our fucking heroes run TOWARD the monster, you Japanese fucks. Jesus, could you be bigger pussies, or does dressing your teenagers up like Catholic school girls basically answer that question. Yes, it does. You make me vomit, swallow it, then shit it out.

PENIS, that's a big monster! It's knocking over buildings and shit! Watch out, you hot fucking retards who are running toward the monster and death! Don't worry about how you keep dying off one by one, that's just the cherry on top of the whip cream of exploding girls on top of the mint fucking chocolate chip that is the monster who shits out little 'roid-rage dogs to bite people, and then explode them (didn't I already fucking tell you that with the whip cream part? I hope you enjoy the short bus to hell, you goat-menstruating tampon-hoarder.)

Buildings are coming down, and one's even on it's fucking side, like that kid in your dorm who almost died of alcohol poisoning! But unlike that lucky fuck, these characters don't join MADD, they just die and explode and die and crash helicopters in huge fucking plotholes of testicle-ripping nerdblossoms. You heard me, smell the roses!

And just when you think the monster's dead, no, all the characters are. Why did you think the monster would die? Did you grow up thinking that people live happily ever after? Welcome to the real world, you princess-dress wearing pedophile! In the real world, monsters kill helicopters that are 1000 feet above them! That's the real fucking world! Love gets you killed, you silly bastards. Drink up while you got the stones, merry Christmas to all!

YOUR Ass-ic Park

When Jesus invented dinosaurs to fuck with us, he probably had no idea that 2000 years later, those dinosaurs would blow our fucking colons out from spec-fuck-ularness in Jurassic Park. First, a fat Colonel Sanders starts inventing dinosaurs, cause holy mindfuck, dinosaurs are birds now, just like chickens! Except they’re not normal sized birds, like those pigeons they make hot dogs out of … these are like if Big Bird put the Jolly Green Giant over his desk and laid a little yellow pipe.

Holy fuck, is that a finger up my ass, or did that T-Rex just eat a fucking goat? Either way, I’m feeling excited and happy to be here. Cock-sucking nuns, there’s a glass of water with mother-fucking ripples! Could my nipples be any harder? You know they can’t!

Then a dinosaur eats a guy while he was on a fucking toilet ... just like prom night in the boy's room. I want to take this movie to dinner and buy it lobster so I can fuck it twice tonight, it’s so hot. Some kids get lost while Jeff Goldblum stutters with every sentence, like he’s got sexy Parkinsons. Chaos theory? That’s what’s happening in my pants whenever you're on the fucking screen, Goldblum.

The raptors (dinosaurs so smart they fucking got a higher GPA than you in that shit-school you called a college, you retarded fuck) start hunting down the kids and Sam Neill, who’s all an expert and shit. I hope he’s an expert on cleaning someone’s pants out, cause that’s where I need help right now, I’m so fucking excited. There’s also a hunter from Australia or some shit who right before he gets eaten, says “Clever girl,” like what you tell your dog when she’s found the peanut butter you spread on yourself. SHIT TITTIES!

There’s a bunch of other shit that happens that’s better than if someone took an orgasm and gave it big fucking teeth, then yelled Jeff Goldblum’s name over and over. And then it ends, and you realize that you’ll never know love and people laugh at you when you walk by, you stupid shit. Jesus, you’re a tard.