"Yes, I Shit in the Woods ... Why?"

Who doesn't love a movie that takes the Catholic Church in the rectory and teaches it to "drink" down some "holy water"? The entire MahShorts family is Catholic, so don't worry, I can say that and still get forgiven. What can't be forgiven is how much I want to see two talking polar bears fighting to the yikes-was-that-his-fucking-JAW?! death, and so thank GOD that a movie like The Golden Compass came along to empty out my testicles from awesomeness.

Harry Potter, why didn't you ever empty out my testicles? Is it cause Dumbledore is gay?

Lyra (a little girl so cute you want to get your tubes tied because you know your sorry spawn will end up just like your baby mama, with a stripper name and a vagina that's only cleaned "for Church and shit, cause Jay-sus is the son of God, and I don't see no fucking halo on YOUR unemployed retard head") is so tough that not only do cowboys and polar bears and witches all work for her, but her uncle is James Bond and a woman who managed to sleep with Tom Cruise can't even hold on to her. And you know Nicole Kidman knows how to keep a squirming little person in place.

So Lyra goes north looking for James Bond and for dust, which isn't the shit that's made of your dead fucking skin cells that's all over your cockroach-smoking pit of an apartment, you maggoty fuck ... you think masturbating to Battlestar Galactica is helping?! Did you know bedbugs EAT your man juice? It's true. Dust is actually people's souls, if we really had them and weren't living in a world that God abandoned to fuck that Aphrodite chick from Greek mythology. That chick is HOT, and nekkid on a shell. Art doesn't lie ... not like that fucking Constitution thing. American History? How about American HERstory, you sexist shit-slurpers!

Oh, there are also demons (that's right, Satanists, it's a family movie, just for you!) that follow people around. When you're a kid, the demon changes shape. When you're an adult, it's locked into shape.Haha, that's a metaphor for adulthood, and it's exactly just like your life. HAHAH, kids books are funny! Hope my insurance covers suicide!

Witches fight priests, God is dead and James Bond wants to invade the real world ... in other words, MY compass needle is pointing north. Oh wait, this was the first part of three books, and it didn't do well enough for the others to be made? Fuck you, have some fucking faith, you atheist satanic chicken rapist. They'll get made ... and if they don't? It's called reading, like what you do when you search for porn on the interwebs. Good luck, and don't click on the "woman and snake" show site ... that shit's all biblical.