I've Got a Little Iron Man in My Pants Right Now

HOLY COMIC-BOOKING FUCK (watch out for paper cuts)! Robert Downey Jr. plays an alcoholic super-hero? That's just like the alcoholic actor he plays in real life, only with less accidental peeing! Iron Man is like distilling awesomeness in a moonshine still, drinking the whole thing, then getting brain damage and spending the rest of your life playing with yourself, maybe flinging pooh like you're a monkey. HA, monkeys make me horny!

Tony Stark could make a blind 80-year-old lesbian ask for it, he's so dickingly charming. Before he even puts on his "iron" suit (the only condom a real man would wear), he's had sex with three women, a dog and a nearby ice cream truck. Don't even see this movie unless you're on the pill, twice, cause he'll fucking impregnate you while your hands are in your fucking sno-caps. Got sour patch kids instead?YOU'LL HAVE MOTHER-FUCKING TWINS.

OH SHIT, then Tony Stark gets captured by Osama Bin Laden and has to make him a missle. Thank god terrorists don't know that a missle doesn't actually look like a big suit of fucking armor, though, or that'd be one short, mind-fuckingly twisted movie. But no, Tony puts on his suit and fucking burns them all! It's like if Mongolian barbecues actually came from Afghanistan, and were made of people instead of awesome meats and shit. You know who has some awesome meat? Tony Stark. Man, you just want to polish that iron 'til it fucking glows!

Then Tony Iron Man builds a fucking new suit, and does funny stuff when learning to fly. HA HA HA, beardy guy makes me laughers! FUN FUN DONKEY! He almost kills himself a few times, but that's probably just the existential dilemma of a man fighting against his own life's work in a futile war to redeem himself in his own heart. DONKEY SHOW!

Finally, Iron Man fights a bigger Iron Man, and shit blows up on an LA freeway, which is just called rush hour there. Then Tony wins and everyone fucks him again, including his robot suit but not Gwyneth Paltrow, who loves him too much to have sex with him, just like at prom. Then the movie ends with a big, sticky explosion of geekitude, and you realize that YOU could be a fucking superhero, if you only drank more and made more money, you piece of lazy whale sperm. Try not to die on the way home, we wouldn't want the world to be a better place or anything. DONKEY PUNCH!