Whip It, Whip It Good

Why'd it have to be snakes in my pants? Cause I've got an anaconda at full mast for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Horrible Fucking Title. Is Indy the only guy on earth who can wear leather and carry a whip and not be heading for a little "slap the tomato" at an S&M club? God, I fucking hope not, I hate tomatoes. SQUISH!

Did someone just raid my lost arse, or is that fucking Shia the Beef from Transformers? You bet your piece of shit script it is! If you're a woman and need to take a moment to imagine Shia and Indy in some erotic homosexual yet gentle coupling on a bed of soft-petal roses, go for it, I've been dreaming about that every night for a week. And believe me, I'm no woman, if my penis has anything to say about it (it did until I started muzzling the fucker).

GREAT HAIRY BALLS OF HARRISON FORD, Indy lived through a nuclear explosion, just like a fucking cockroach if that cockroach also was Han PENISING Solo! MOTHER-FUCK, I'm not a little short for a stormtrooper right now! Then Indy finds a crystal skull, just like that time that club kid asked if you wanted to fuck his skull while on meth, except different, and almost awesomer. Is the crystal skull from a fucking alien?! HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED SO BITCH-TITTINGLY BRAIN-SUCKINGLY SEXY A QUESTION AS THAT? If not, humanity's a waste, we should all die. No time for love, Dr. Jones!

Instead of Nazis, the Russians decide to fuck with Indy this time, and still get their skin melted or face eated by ants. I hope you're seeing this movie with a date, cause all I see are one idea after another for a night in. Also, Russians are hot cause the women look like men, and talk like cartoons. FUCK ME LONG TIME, LENIN.

...wait, hold up. I'm sorry, let's take a break from this for a second. Did Shia just swing from vines in a jungle like Tarzan? That's easily the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a movie, since ... ever. Jesus, George Lucas, haven't you fucked my childhood enough with the Star Wars movies, now you're trying to lure it into a white van with the candy that is Indiana Jones only to teabag its balls, telling it that if it tells anyone, you'll say it was asking for it? Fuck's sake. Seriously. Sorry, back to the regular post.

I hope you like double-fists of awesomeness up that vagina of yours, cause holy fuck, they ARE aliens! Did you just blow my mind, or did that just make the last Indy movie lame as a 15 year old excitedly blogging about his first time with a retarded girl? Let's hope it's the former, cause I'm still getting off on the scene where Shia beats Indy with his "snake"! FUCK, I wish I could make something up that's even close to as fucked up and awe-inspiring as that was.

Aww, look, it's the end and Shia could be the next Indiana Jones. Thanks, movie people, you couldn't just say that humanity deserves a little anal rape for its crimes, you have to inflict this shit on us? If I weren't so full from swallowing the dorkgasm of Harrison Ford in that fucking hat, I'd be a little offended. Go fuck a midget with your gonorrheal amputated stump of an arm, and we'll call it even.