Irish Monsters? That's Gonna Be One Tiny Monster Penis!

Shit, that's one big bunch of clovers in that Cloverfield. Cloverfield is so fucking brain-doucheing ape-shit-up-the-assingly mys-fucking-sterious that you never find out why its called that. FUCK KNOCKERS, but I just dork-gasmed in my Captain America panties.

A bunch of people so hot they made my pants pregnant have a party, and one guy is in love with a girl. I haven't seen a story this original since my uncle told the cops that I was asking for it. YUMMY! But don't even thinking about lighting a candle, cause your whole fucking UNIVERSE is about to get blown, cause oh hell yes, that's the Statue of Liberty's head, and it's pissed. Can you hear the awesomeness of the words I'm saying?! LISTEN THEN, you limey fuck!

Jesus Mary and Zombie-Loving Josephs, it's a fucking American Godzilla monster thing! And in America, our fucking heroes run TOWARD the monster, you Japanese fucks. Jesus, could you be bigger pussies, or does dressing your teenagers up like Catholic school girls basically answer that question. Yes, it does. You make me vomit, swallow it, then shit it out.

PENIS, that's a big monster! It's knocking over buildings and shit! Watch out, you hot fucking retards who are running toward the monster and death! Don't worry about how you keep dying off one by one, that's just the cherry on top of the whip cream of exploding girls on top of the mint fucking chocolate chip that is the monster who shits out little 'roid-rage dogs to bite people, and then explode them (didn't I already fucking tell you that with the whip cream part? I hope you enjoy the short bus to hell, you goat-menstruating tampon-hoarder.)

Buildings are coming down, and one's even on it's fucking side, like that kid in your dorm who almost died of alcohol poisoning! But unlike that lucky fuck, these characters don't join MADD, they just die and explode and die and crash helicopters in huge fucking plotholes of testicle-ripping nerdblossoms. You heard me, smell the roses!

And just when you think the monster's dead, no, all the characters are. Why did you think the monster would die? Did you grow up thinking that people live happily ever after? Welcome to the real world, you princess-dress wearing pedophile! In the real world, monsters kill helicopters that are 1000 feet above them! That's the real fucking world! Love gets you killed, you silly bastards. Drink up while you got the stones, merry Christmas to all!

YOUR Ass-ic Park

When Jesus invented dinosaurs to fuck with us, he probably had no idea that 2000 years later, those dinosaurs would blow our fucking colons out from spec-fuck-ularness in Jurassic Park. First, a fat Colonel Sanders starts inventing dinosaurs, cause holy mindfuck, dinosaurs are birds now, just like chickens! Except they’re not normal sized birds, like those pigeons they make hot dogs out of … these are like if Big Bird put the Jolly Green Giant over his desk and laid a little yellow pipe.

Holy fuck, is that a finger up my ass, or did that T-Rex just eat a fucking goat? Either way, I’m feeling excited and happy to be here. Cock-sucking nuns, there’s a glass of water with mother-fucking ripples! Could my nipples be any harder? You know they can’t!

Then a dinosaur eats a guy while he was on a fucking toilet ... just like prom night in the boy's room. I want to take this movie to dinner and buy it lobster so I can fuck it twice tonight, it’s so hot. Some kids get lost while Jeff Goldblum stutters with every sentence, like he’s got sexy Parkinsons. Chaos theory? That’s what’s happening in my pants whenever you're on the fucking screen, Goldblum.

The raptors (dinosaurs so smart they fucking got a higher GPA than you in that shit-school you called a college, you retarded fuck) start hunting down the kids and Sam Neill, who’s all an expert and shit. I hope he’s an expert on cleaning someone’s pants out, cause that’s where I need help right now, I’m so fucking excited. There’s also a hunter from Australia or some shit who right before he gets eaten, says “Clever girl,” like what you tell your dog when she’s found the peanut butter you spread on yourself. SHIT TITTIES!

There’s a bunch of other shit that happens that’s better than if someone took an orgasm and gave it big fucking teeth, then yelled Jeff Goldblum’s name over and over. And then it ends, and you realize that you’ll never know love and people laugh at you when you walk by, you stupid shit. Jesus, you’re a tard.

Shitty Ass Nice Guys Always Fucking Finish Dead Fucking Last

Let me take you back to the goddamn fucking olden days when every fucking person was happy and fucking divorce never happened, probably because people fucked a lot more. Bitch ass Sandy went on vacation with her happy fuckin family and met awesome-as-shit Danny Zuko. He was the fucking cat's meow. Shit yeah.

But soon, vacation was over and it was just a fucking summer fling, but they didn't even fucking fuck because, you know, bitch ass Sandy was a fucking loser virgin. WTF? Lame. Anyway, can you fucking believe that Sandy's fucking family moves to awesome-as-shit Danny Zuko's home mother-fuckin' town? Shit yeah. And then she realizes how fucking awesome he is and most likely has a fucking huge ass dick.

And then Danny was fucking like, "I'm stranded at the fuckin' drive-in" And the bitch ass like fucking shut his dick in the door. But then, bitch ass Sandy makes nice with the goddamn Pink Ladies who fucking teach her how to be a huge fucking whore. Like, fucking in the parking lot and shit without mother fucking condoms because who the fuck likes those?

Wait until you see the fucking best car race you ever fucking seen in your life. Damn, like you didn't think the fucking bad ass would win and shit? Plus, the fucking best part is mother fucking hot ass Danny Zuko in some fucking tight ass leather pants. Shit. Fuck. Yeah. You better fucking watch the movie so you fucking finally realize that nice mother fuckers never get the whores. Bitch.

Is This Magic, or Did My Balls Just Get Bigger?

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Look at the Mother Fucking Kick-Ass Little People Run Shit in this Mother Fucking Movie

Willow is the best movie in the fucking world because it has fucking magic midgets and trolls throwing their shit.

I watched that fucking awesome-fest as a child and nearly shat my pants when the dogs ate apart the midwife bitch in the beginning. That whore was one fucking heroine except she sent the dikini baby down the fucking choppy river on a piece of fucking grass. What the fuck? You should be more fucking careful with the baby that's supposed to overthrow the fucking evil queen of cuntness. Shit and that was like, just the beginning.

Then the little shit head midget children all were like "Da-da, da-da we found a fuckin' baby on a fuckin' piece of grass on the fuckin' river's edge, bitch!" And they were like "Can we keep it??" and Willow is all like, "We can't keep a baby!!!" Oh, but those fuckers did the right thing and saved the magical baby from that piece of shit little grassy raft. Fuck. I can't believe how good this movie already is, shit yeah.

So, it's time for the little people village to have their annual get SHIT-FACED festival. It was a merry fucking time, people eating fire and making pigs disappear into fucking thin air. That shit is insane, fucking no doubt. BUT, the CRAZY ASS wolf dogs come back and those snarlin' beast pieces of shit are searching for something -- what the fuck are they looking for, you wonder?? YOU GOT IT. That mother fucking BABY! Holy fuck.

So the fuckin' awesome courageous pec people set off to find the dat baby's momma -- aka the whore that decided to abandon her precious piece of fucking life. They meet fuckin' normal sized dude Val Kilmer, aka Mad Martigan, who has a nasty ass grill that magically gets whiter as he romances the evil queen's daughter -- medieval criminals need to get some ass too, shit. Mad Martigan fucking helps the shit out of these little people with his skills of fucking awesomeness.

The movie has fucking three-headed monsters, talking goats, and little brownie shits that yell things like "we stole da baby while da dikini was taking a pee-pee" ... you can't fucking write shit that good. I'm still so fucking pissed I didn't lose my virginity to this shit, man. Fantasy fun for all fuckin ages, so go rent it or you might die of AIDs. That would fucking suck.