When Jesus invented dinosaurs to fuck with us, he probably had no idea that 2000 years later, those dinosaurs would blow our fucking colons out from spec-fuck-ularness in Jurassic Park. First, a fat Colonel Sanders starts inventing dinosaurs, cause holy mindfuck, dinosaurs are birds now, just like chickens! Except they’re not normal sized birds, like those pigeons they make hot dogs out of … these are like if Big Bird put the Jolly Green Giant over his desk and laid a little yellow pipe. Holy fuck, is that a finger up my ass, or did that T-Rex just eat a fucking goat? Either way, I’m feeling excited and happy to be here. Cock-sucking nuns, there’s a glass of water with mother-fucking ripples! Could my nipples be any harder? You know they can’t!
Then a dinosaur eats a guy while he was on a fucking toilet ... just like prom night in the boy's room. I want to take this movie to dinner and buy it lobster so I can fuck it twice tonight, it’s so hot. Some kids get lost while Jeff Goldblum stutters with every sentence, like he’s got sexy Parkinsons. Chaos theory? That’s what’s happening in my pants whenever you're on the fucking screen, Goldblum.
The raptors (dinosaurs so smart they fucking got a higher GPA than you in that shit-school you called a college, you retarded fuck) start hunting down the kids and Sam Neill, who’s all an expert and shit. I hope he’s an expert on cleaning someone’s pants out, cause that’s where I need help right now, I’m so fucking excited. There’s also a hunter from Australia or some shit who right before he gets eaten, says “Clever girl,” like what you tell your dog when she’s found the peanut butter you spread on yourself. SHIT TITTIES!
There’s a bunch of other shit that happens that’s better than if someone took an orgasm and gave it big fucking teeth, then yelled Jeff Goldblum’s name over and over. And then it ends, and you realize that you’ll never know love and people laugh at you when you walk by, you stupid shit. Jesus, you’re a tard.
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